"Thanks be to God for His inexpressible gift" -2 Corinthians 9:15
Hard to believe my baby is already 4 months old. I'm not sure quite how to summarize the last 4 months either. What an emotional roller coaster I've been on. And by roller coaster, I mean one that you can't get off of and catch your breath. About the time we've got a routine down and you feel like you're pulling back into the starting point, something gets thrown in the mix, you get jolted out of the chute and the ride starts all over again (usually faster than the last go-round). That sounds negative and I don't mean for it to at all. But it does seem like the space between the peaks and valleys is quite vast. Thankfully, the peaks are getting extremely more frequent and the valleys are sporadic. There is a song that I like and a portion of the lyrics are :
"....there's going to be some mountains to climb
And some valleys we're going to go through
But I had no way of knowing just how hard this journey could be
Cause the valleys are deeper and the mountain are steeper than I ever would have dreamed"
I always looked forward to being a mom and I always thought because I love kids, babysat and adore my niece/nephews more than life that raising my own would be a breeze. But I honestly had no idea it would be as emotionally taxing as it has been. I'm a perfectionist and terrified of making a mistake; and of course patience isn't my strongest characteristic either. I'm worried every move I make will somehow come back to haunt me as I ship James off to military camp because I let him cry an extra 5 minutes while I managed to scarf down some lunch! I worry that when I can't console him, it's something that's wrong with me (it couldn't possibly be that babies just cry sometimes). I worry that he isn't getting enough sleep and then when he does take a stellar nap, something MUST be wrong because on a normal day, he would never nap for long. I'm in a constant state of tormenting myself over scenarios that I know aren't true or that mean nothing, but yet still, I can't stop my brain. I want it to shut down, but apparently it's too active for its own good.
All that being said, I wouldn't give a day back by any means, but it has taken me a lot longer than I expected (and am clearly still in the process) to adjust to my life that was 180 degrees different from what it was before James came into my life. I went from a job, where I was knowledgeable and could talk intelligently with others and if I didn't know the answer, I knew who to ask or where to look. Now, my job revolves around trying to figure out why James is crying, if he has eaten enough today and if I'm stimulating his little brain enough, but not too much. And when you've tried everything you know what to do and he's still crying; there's no manual and there is no one to ask. Well, there are tons of "manuals" and everyone has their own opinions. But amazingly (and thankfully) all babies are different and don't just fall into a certain category. My PSA for all expecting moms; don't read the baby guide books. They've done more harm than good for me anyway. I was shoving a square peg in a round hole by trying to get my child to follow the schedule in one of those books (and I feel robbed of enjoying 6 weeks of James' life by struggling with this).
In broad terms, I have a highly active baby. He is bright eyed and fearful that if he sleeps, he might miss something (hence why my blog posts are so few and far between). Great sleeper at night, in fact the first time we changed from the rock n play to the crib, he slept 11 hours. Naps are a totally different story! A good day is if we get one 90 minute nap in. An average day includes three 30 minute cat naps. I don't mind him being awake for countless hours during the day as long as he is not fussy (which occurs ~50% of the time) although it makes getting things done around the house difficult. The toughest part is that with his age, he cannot really entertain himself and despite the multitude of seats, swings, mats and toys; he wants to be held or tended to 24/7. I do have a wrap that I can wear him, but because he is still developing head control, he has to face toward my chest. He likes to look around, so it really isn't all that helpful. I think once he is able to be in a carrier where he can hold his head up and/or can sit in the buggy at stores, etc. life will get much easier. If he isn't going to sleep, I'm looking forward to getting out and about with him.
A lot of people ask me about Cooper and James. They are not the best of friends yet. James has just started noticing Cooper more and more and now that he is reaching for things, wants to touch Cooper. Cooper on the other hand, knows he needs to protect James and will give him a good sniff, but at the same time, does not really want to be touched by James (Coop doesn't like jerky movements and unfortunately that about the only way infants move).
James initially took over Cooper's look out spot
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Cooper guarding his little brother
With his cleft, we were able to get his retainer aka "NAM" rather quickly after he was born. The purpose of the NAM is to stretch out the nostril that is flat. He also has been taped as well (which is the wonderful white moustache you see in pictures). The tape bring his lips closer together. Both are to help make his surgery easier. The first appointment when the impressions were taken was pretty tough to watch. However, the weekly appointments got easier over time and James just started to get used to Dr. Abi messing with him. The NAM itself never phased him either. As far as feeding goes (which was our biggest concern with his cleft), after his first bottle in the hospital, he never looked back. Has been a champ with weight gain and has far exceeded any expectation we ever had
This is his first picture with the NAM in place.
We have been taking weekly pictures of James to keep track of his growth. It's insane how much he has changed since birth. These are nice for me because I see him every day and that makes it difficult to see changes. Here's a snippet of weeks:
Week 1
Week 5
Week 9
Week 13
I have to admit, he's a generally happy baby; albeit fussy too. He gives lot of smiles and now laughs during the day. It's hard for me to do anything else when he is smiling. It simply takes my breath away and I'm overwhelmed with how much I love him that I lose track of all things I was doing or thinking about.
It's crazy that we are moving into 6 month clothes already! I got a little emotional putting away his newborn stuff and then shoved him into the 3 month items for as long as possible. Hoping that making the change from 6-9 months will be a little easier.
Speaking of naps above, little boy is awake (got 45 minutes this afternoon!), so I had better tend to him.
