"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let your hearts not be troubled, neither let them be afraid" -John 14:27

August 22nd, 2012

Always figured August 22nd would be special for one reason. Each year, Patrick and I would celebrate another year of marriage. Pretty early, we found out that this was the day James was scheduled to have his first surgery to repair his lip and nose. I just figure at this rate, we should just plan something big every August 22nd as we are not likely to forget it! Regardless, Patrick and I took a couple seconds on that morning to enjoy being married for 3 years, then got out of bed and woke up our sleeping baby (not something I nor James particularly enjoys) and headed over to Ayers outpatient OR clinic.

A lot of people would ask me about his surgery and I did a pretty good job of living in the moment and not dwelling on it until about a week before. Attempting to describe the emotions that go along with your 3 month old going through surgery is literally impossible and unless you've been there, you couldn't possibly fathom the feeling (I'm not one of those people to make those kind of statements, but I feel sure about this). I'm getting choked up just writing this remembering how I felt the days, hours, minutes leading up to leaving his life in someone else's hands. I'm not trying to be dramatic; I fully understand that by most accounts, his surgery would be considered pretty minor/non-invasive. The unfortunate part for me is that I work in the medical field. Specifically, spent the last year in an adult ICU. Here, you see the random and often fleeting side of life. It's definitely a case of the 'I know too much for my own good'. I've seen healthy people go into surgery and not wake up again and I've seen those who did stellar during surgery only to have a life threatening infection develop a couple days later. I don't see the successful 99 out of 100 surgeries. I see the 1 that went awry. Makes a person's point of view a bit skewed and not in a positive way. I just had this huge fear that he would have a reaction to the anesthesia and I was going to be the person in the waiting room like on Grey's Anatomy that just crumpled to the floor at the news. I tried to prepare myself mentally for seeing him intubated (and although I knew at the time this was ridiculous and is still absurd to this minute) because something went wrong. I realize that is not my best thought, but that's what was running through my mind. The night before, I rocked him for almost an hour even after he was asleep. Patrick came in to check on us because I had been in there so long. The thought of something horrific happening and me not being able to hold him again just tore me to pieces. But I put my trust in God's hands that he gave us a great team of doctors that would take excellent care of our little boy. Here's a few pictures of our journey that day.

Right after we woke him up and before we left the house. I love this look; I feel like he is saying: "are you serious about waking me up?"

I love how his hair is sticking up in the picture

Mom, I'm seriously hungry

I think he knows something is up at this point

Let me reiterate how hungry I am. I'm not joking

Watching TV in the waiting room

Hooking me up to all kinds of monitors

I think I'll just gnaw on your arm for a little since you won't feed me

Finally gave up and fell asleep. The anesthesiology resident came shortly after he fell asleep and I felt ok with handing him over in a very calm state. Plus, it turned out that I know the resident's wife as well, which made me feel slightly more at ease.

Turns out the worst part of the day was waiting (and also dealing with a hungry baby who hadn't eaten for 12 hours!). Luckily both mine and Patrick's parents came down and kept me and my thoughts occupied (and brought me breakfast). When Dr. Lentz hobbled out (she was in a boot for a broken leg) and told us that everything went awesome and she was happy with the results, it was like the weight of the world was lifted. We had to wait another 5 minutes before we could go back to the recovery area and then had to wait 5 minutes there before they brought James to us. While we couldn't see him at first, I could hear him wailing (and I was never as happy as I was in the moment to hear his screams). I wasn't really sure what to expect when they brought him to us. I knew he would look different, but I don't think I realized he would look THAT different. For me, his face is all about his eyes. His big brown eyes are I first notice when looking at him; so I figured he really wouldn't look much different to me. But did he ever. It looked as if he had grown up 3 months worth. He also looked terribly pitiful. We were able to feed him and he calmed down some what. He would then start crying all over again. One of the RNs said that the anesthesia can give them gas, so after a good burp or two, he fell asleep (we had to wait 2 hours post-op since he was so young). All in all, he was a champ and I know in my heart of hearts, he dealt with it far better than I would have if it the roles were reversed.  

Finally getting something to eat!

And the pictures have already started again

Recoupering in Mom's arms

Getting some much needed rest

Our next surgery is already planned for end of March, early April 2013. They will close his palate at that point. This surgery will be more extensive and invasive than the lip. I'm more anxious about the recovery period as I think he will be in more pain after this one, which already makes me tear up. I think I will be a little less anxious in the days before just knowing how well he has done with this surgery. The good news is babies keep you pretty occupied, so I'm not even close to thinking about it at this point and I'm thankful for my short-sightedness! 

I should also mention that we were given an overwhelming amount of encouragement, support and love during this time. Words cannot express the gratitude that Patrick and I felt from all the expressed thoughts and silent prayers. We appreciate each and everyone that kept our family in their hearts and minds during this time. Clearly your voices were heard as our sweet boy has done so well.